i would punch a child for taco bell
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize