When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
