can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
