Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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