walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
