omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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