Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize