low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize