Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
