the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
