we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
