It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
