I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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