People in love make me want to vomit
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
