Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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