Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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