I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
