I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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