...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
