for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
