Please, let me fuck your mom
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
