i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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