Pants 0. Shit 1.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize
