We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
