You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
