I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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