Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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