She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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