guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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