She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
