I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
