First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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