best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
