You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
