I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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