Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
