yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
