I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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