Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
