youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
