i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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