I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
