come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
