so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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