that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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