the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
