: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
