If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
