i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
