Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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