forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
