Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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