I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
