Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
