Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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