this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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