Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
