Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
