i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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